What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 00:01
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She married twice! .
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I think the readers, may guess!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Why would a person always be so tired?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why do men find women with bigger buttocks attractive?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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She wouldn,t have been !
Have you ever followed through being bi-curious?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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So, i spoilt her more .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One cannot live in the past .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was 9 years of age.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was seconnd youngest,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I have no regrets .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I never cut or harmed myself..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
All the time i was locked up.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
What did i know ?
As i do to all so called friends.?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I write beautiful poetry .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
It was going to be , some day.
Im still living with it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She was in good health!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
When she asked me how she looked .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I don,t even have a pension.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She loved him until the end.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was scared of men, in general
He knew the spot.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Would this be the day?
But, we were locked up after school.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I waited trembling.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And i lived it daily.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We all went to grammer schools
But it wasn’t much.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Put me off passion for life!!
We were not on the streets..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was very sick at this time too.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I will be 64.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He resisted the act ,that day.
This is soul school!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I said to her
My life is so biszare .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Ive learnt so much.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Comes on , in middle age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Who then, do I blame.?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My family never makes their pension either.
So whats the point in blame.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She found it foreign!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !